I FEEL I'M STUCK IN DARKNESS

Q:
I am getting towards the end of the proverbial rope! You wrote on Saturn's offering, " When you face your darkness with courage, you allow the light to enter and Saturn¹s blessings will certainly follow."

I'm still struggling, and that's fine on some levels for a Capricorn DOES like the struggle-- but it's been five years I'm still working through variations on the same problems. I keep losing my 'self' in all of this, and ending up angry, judgemental and generally the worst characteristics of my sign. Looking at my life I haven't achieved the goals that seemed to be most important to me (succeeding as a writer/artist) yet I'm open to the fact that perhaps I achieved other goals, which I cannot see yet.
Financially I'm still a disaster, dependent on my husband and with a very bad relationship to money.

It's like confronting my own darkness most of the time, with brief moments when I can see my integrated self. I get to the point where I want to give up all the spiritual work as too hard (I'm a Shamanic Practitioner)--- but life looks utterly pointless without it! Paradoxes, dualities-- living with
both sides-- I'm so bloody WEARY!!

A:Your birthchart has some interesting combinations of factors that are pulling you in different directions (this is true for many of us!). Your Sun is in Capricorn and it is conjunct the South Node, showing that your evolutionary journey is taking you from a work centered life to a life that
is more focused on family and emotional connections (North Node in Cancer). Your North Node conjuncts your Moon, showing that you have an inner longing for that emotional security and connection (Cancer), but it opposes your Sun. So immediately we have a conflict between these two desires within you. Working on the side of your Sun is Mars and Mercury, conjunct within 8
minutes which is about as exact as you can get, and both in Capricorn. So your drive (Mars) and thought process (Mercury) are both in Capricorn.

Capricorn is the sign of the do-er; when stressed it can show a person who becomes a human do-ing instead of a human be-ing. Capricorn is all about setting goals and achieving something real in the material world. In your chart your Capricorn planets fall in the second house, making financial
security of paramount importance. The Capricorn influence gives you a tremendous ability to manifest once you are able to focus your will, as Mars in Capricorn has an intense power to achieve. However, with your Moon in Cancer you will need to strike a balance between your inner life and
emotional connections (Cancer) and your goals and achievements.

Jupiter (abundance and possibility) is in Aries in your chart, showing that you experience the greatest faith in life (Jupiter) when you are able to express your own will (Aries). Jupiter squares both your Sun and your Moon, forming what we call a "T-square." This intensifies the conflict between
your Capricorn/Mars/Mercury/Sun and your Cancer Moon, adding a third element of self-direction.

Neptune is rising in your chart, conjunct your Scorpio ascendant. It's not surprising you experience things dramatically - Scorpio is the sign of intensity and passion. Neptune is creativity and the outward expression of the spiritual life, and this is what impels you to live a creative life.

None of these factors can be denied, and all must find a place in your conscious expression: Integrating the part of you that needs to achieve with time to nourish your inner life and family, combined with taking the time to pursue your own dreams and experience some freedom (Jupiter in
Aries) to do so. Uranus conjuncts Pluto in your chart, and you carry within you the archetype of social change that occurred in the 1960s. Chiron, the wounded healer, opposes the Uranus/Pluto combination which shows that you are constantly cycling through painful crises (Chiron) followed by ecstatic transformation (Pluto). Transiting Uranus has been working with Chiron in your chart since May of last year and opposing Uranus in your birthchart. Soon it will oppose Pluto as well. This is a powerful time of change, where you will begin to see things in a completely different way. Let go,
something which can be difficult for someone with a great deal of Capricorn, and you will find yourself shedding the old skins that no longer serve you.

I would encourage you to sit down and create a list of everything you want to change in your life. Then take each change and create an affirmative statement that helps you to visualize this change having already happened. Read each statement every morning and every night, and you will be amazed at the changes you see in your life