At first I thought something was wrong with Rich, my husband. Everything he did was bothering me. He didn’t talk to me enough. He talked to me too much. He didn’t pay any attention to what I was doing. He paid too much attention to what I was doing. I felt like a raw nerve, and everything he did set me off. And then I felt that there was something wrong with me – that I wasn’t good enough and it was probably my fault anyway.
I went for a walk and realized, “This feels like Chiron.” You would think I would be more up on my own chart, but I long ago stopped tracking every little movement of the planets and anticipating what they might mean. (I keep an eye on the larger cycles, but since Saturn will only make this square to my Chiron once I didn’t give it too much thought. Next year when Pluto conjoins Chiron I will be singing a different tune!)
At any rate, once I realized that Saturn was squaring Chiron in my chart, it all began to make sense. Chiron in our chart reveals where we are emotionally sensitive. It’s the little places where if someone says something the wrong way we burst out in tears. Transiting Saturn, being the noble Taskmaster that he is, wants to make sure that we are doing the hard work to heal old wounds and will make sure that those wounds pop up in our conscious mind so that we can attend to them.
Individuals with Saturn/Chiron alignments in their chart know this all too well. I like to say to my Saturn/Chiron clients that “some people can hide from their wounds, but not you.” This may seem like an unfair burden, but in the long run we are better off learning how to release these wounds as they arise, rather than walk around with them lurking under the surface for the rest of our lives where they can cause not only emotional problems, but physical ones as well.
Once I realized that Saturn was activating Chiron, I saw very clearly that this was old stuff for me, old feelings of worthlessness that are thankfully healed to a great extent, but still somewhat present. I took some deep breaths, relaxing into the emotions as they passed through me. And then I apologized to Rich for having blamed him for something that was going on in my own psyche.
It’s easy when we’re unhappy to find someone to blame those feelings on, and often it seems fair and legitimate to do so. But one thing I have learned is that as long as we blame and accuse we remain stuck in our unhappiness. Each of us is responsible for our own healing, and our own happiness. But we can find soulmates on the path who will understand what we are going through, and forgive us when we make mistakes.