Thanks as always to Elsa’s Top Ten for providing a link to this wonderful article:

zodiac version 2.0

Thousands of years ago, people in primitive cultures looked upwards and imagined patterns and signs in the stars that bespeckled the night sky, much the same way that stock traders and market analysts do with economic data today. They imagined the stars were arranged in the shapes of animals and people: Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, and Sagittarius, formed the zodiac that encircled the heavens.

The heavens may seem a permanent and unchanging creation, but over a span of thousands of years, the positions of the stars do change and the circumstances and infuences that affect our daily lives have changed even more. By the later part of the twentieth century, the movement towards universal deregulation led to an increasing pace of mergers, buyouts, and divestitures, often leaving zodiacal consumers uncertain of what their sign would be the next day or what level of support they could count upon.

At its peak, this celestial merger-mania was on the verge of dividing the cosmos between the signs of Microsoft and AT&T, leaving little room for individuality and variety in horoscopes. Cosmic consolidation to a mere two sun signs would be devastating for those who depend on their daily astrological forecast to plan their lives, predict romantic possibilities, and make investment and career decisions. Some analysts warned that if half the world’s population were to receive unexpected checks all on the same day, the resulting chaos in the international banking system would be catastrophic–or at the very least result in inconveniently long lines at teller windows and ATMs.

After the initial “boom” times of celestial merger-mania, the need to curtail expenses led to many stars that had previously held high-level positions in major constellations being laid off. The likelihood that some of the less profitable star signs might be discontinued entirely–with a corresponding loss of support for people born during corresponding times of the year–was the last straw that caused the government to intervene.

To deal with growing consumer concerns and zodiacal vulnerability to possible future extragalactic competition, the US Justice Department and the FCSC (Federal Celestial Sphere Commission) worked out a plan to return the zodiac to its original complement of twelve signs, updated to be more relevant to the daily lives of people in the new millennium:

Cisco, the Router (February 19th ~ March 20th)

The router serves to bridge the gap between two worlds, a “gatekeeper” between our day-to-day earthly plane and the higher realm of the spirit or between the local intranet and the campus backbone or internet.

Persons born under the sign of the router feel an enhanced connection to planes other than the physical and can help bring enlightenment to others by filtering and guiding packets of spirituality to the people around them. The vulnerability of Ciscons (people born under the sign of Cisco) is that they may unwisely pick up evil packets from the other side as well and be subject to their influence and even fall victim to Denial-of-Spirituality (DoS) attacks coming from the darker planes of existence.

EDO, the RAM (March 21st ~ April 19th)

Quick to learn new things and energetic in taking on new tasks, people born under the sign of the RAM tend to lose interest in old or boring tasks if their excitement level is not frequently refreshed.

Possessed of a deep committment to fairness in their dealings with others, they strive to maintain parity in all their interactions and will immediately detect imbalance or error.

Hayes, the Modem (April 20th ~ May 20th)

Children born under this sign often appear aloof and uninterested to the casual aquaintance, but it’s more accurate to say that one just has to make sure to get their attention first.

Because of this tendency towards shyness, they may find it difficult to negotiate a true connection with others and often experience compatibility problems until they’re absolutely sure that those they deal with fully come up to their standards and the tone of their interactions is to their liking. But once such a connection is made, you can be sure they will be determined to hang on, at least until they drop you.

Control-ALT-Delete, the Reset Button (May 21st ~ June 20th)

Those born under the Control-Alt-Delete sign are capable of quick, on-the-fly decisions and immediate actions, sometimes followed by almost-but-not-quite immediate regrets. Impatient and possessed of highly active imaginations, emotions, and wit, they are always ready and eager to start a new project or restart a current one in a whole different way.

The Control-Alt-Delete-born are very tactile in nature, responding quickly and enthusiastically to being touched, but once they get started, it’s difficult or even hazardous to try to interrupt or stop them before they feel that they’re finished.

Pink Pearl, the Eraser (June 21st ~ July 22nd)

Despite being cautious and careful in their actions and decisions, people born under the sign of the Pink Pearl Eraser find themselves always having to clean up after the mistakes and messes of others and often wind up feeling crummy as a result.

When given enough care and attention, children of the Eraser are able to remain flexible and understanding despite the wear-and-tear of daily life; if left neglected too long, however, their attitude often becomes hard and brittle.

Pentium, the CPU (July 23rd ~ August 22nd)

Pentiums are fast thinkers and highly analytical, though in their haste, they’re also given to skipping over details and making small math errors, particularly where fractions are concerned. They’re also strongly emotional and if not given enough room to cool off, tend to get hotheaded and unstable. Never get on the wrong side of someone born under the sign of Pentium, because if you do, they’ll get prickly and easily bent out-of-shape.

Pentiums always expect to be the center of attention and are natural leaders, automatically assuming that they are in charge and that everything will go through them.

DeepRock, the Water Cooler (August 23rd ~ September 23rd)

People born under this sign are cool and easy-going, not easily pressed into quick decisions or fast action, especially on Monday mornings, Friday afternoons, or during the week.

Water Coolers are good listeners and willing to lend a sympathetic ear, at least as long as your problems make for sufficiently juicy gossip.

Keuffel and Esser, the Slide Rule (September 24th ~ October 22nd)

People born under the sign of the Slide Rule have a particular talent for extending themselves to handle new problems and situations. They are able to look at problems, both small and large, and immediately keep the basic details in proportion.

Elegant and dependable, Slide Rules are known for keeping their cool and never letting on that they’re being pulled too far until they reach their limit and abruptly fall apart.

Weller, the Soldering Iron (October 23rd ~ November 21st)

Those born under the sign of the Soldering Iron are both passionate and focused, capable of directing their intense firey passions towards a single goal. Others may see the intensity of their inner fire, be drawn to it, an
d wind up getting burned, because once a Wellerian has gotten heated up and is focused on a goal, he or she may be unaware of or uninterested in anything else.

To be happy, the Wellerian has to have someone close in his or her life who has extra energy to be drawn upon when needed, otherwise those born under this sign may become cold, withdrawn, and ineffective.

Custom Imprinted With Your Company Logo, the Pocket Protector (November 22nd ~ December 21st)

Children of the Pocket Protector are very security-oriented and careful to protect others, sometimes even at their own expense. Friends and family may accuse the Pocket Protector People in their lives of being “unadventurous” or “not spontaneous enough,” but those born under the Custom Imprinted With Your Company Logo sign must strive to trust their own wisdom and hold to their chosen course, values, and priorities and not be swayed by those around them who might be more rash and less thorough in their thinking.

Quake, the Video Game (December 22nd ~ January 19th)

Energetic, imaginitive, and often heavily armed, Quakers keep finding themselves abruptly plunged into the midst of chaos and crossfire, and solving or blowing up the current batch of problems and crises may turn out to be only the harbinger of a new, more challenging level of bigger problems and crises.

Able to don many different hats or “skins” to cope with this wide array of problems, the child of the video game often still finds himself or herself really looking for an even bigger gun with which to take out opponents.

Tux, the Penguin (January 20th ~ February 18th)

Free and independent-thinking, those born under the sign of Tux the Penguin are quick with thoughts and ideas, even if the rest of the world might not understand the thoughts and ideas in question. Rather than express feelings and problems with loud and aggressive warning and error messages that are apparent to anyone, their inner settings may only be visible to those who know them and have learned where and how to probe for them.

When it comes to romantic relationships, many people assume that those born under this sign would be incompatible or too complex, or that they simply wouldn’t serve their needs, but with proper care and patience–and a certain amount of tweaking and experimentation–those born under the sign of Tux, the Penguin, are compatible with many platforms and star signs.

The Unnatural Enquirer, © 2001 Trygve Lode (

And don’t miss the archives of this hilarious site here.

Share this article...